Battle of the Megatrons!

Article by Markup on 12/29/2000.


Once Upon a Time...

    It was bound to happen. After years of barely restrained hostility, the constant comparisons finally took their toll and war broke out between the Megatrons. Some say the last straw was the ending of the Beast Machines series, while others said it was the rumor that the original Transformers would once more be resurrected for a new show. What ever sparked the hostilities, the Land of the Toys felt the terror that only Megatrons can produce. Everyone knew something had to be done to stop the violence, but what? A meeting of the oldest and greatest toys was called to find the answer, and it was decided that all of the Megatrons should be reviewed in order to determine which was the greatest of all time. Judges were selected, and invitations were sent out to each of the warring Megatrons. That is when the REAL chaos began.

The Judges Assemble.

    Three groups were given the honor of selecting The Ultimate Megatron, with each group being given one vote.

    The Valley of Statues was chosen as the meeting place for this great event. It didn't matter that the "valley" was actually a plateau, what was important was the fact that it was the farthest location from the main toy habitations that could be found, and so it was used. After all, no one wanted to be destroyed by a stray shot from what was bound to be one of the most destructive toy battles ever.

    The first of the judges to arrive were the Pokemon representatives Jigglypuff, Pikachu, Blastoise. The Pokemon had been chosen because of their neutrality - it was hard to imagine that any of them could be bribed, bought-off, or otherwise coerced into giving up their vote.

    Next came Diablo. He had been chosen because NO ONE could beat him into surrendering his vote, and also because the other toys wanted a vacation from his annoying ramblings. "Fear the Lord of Terror! RAAARRGGGH!" had gotten old.

    The first snag was hit when Diablo (who was apparently uninformed about what his duties were), got into an altercation with the Pokemon. Blastoise was repeatedly stomped into the ground while Jigglypuff was hurled against a wall a few dozen times. After they had both been tenderized, Diablo ate them. Pikachu was about to meet the same fate when the last of the judges reminded The Lord of Terror why everyone had assembled here. Thus, order was restored. And so entered...

    ..the Cobra Commanders! The final group of judges had been selected because they had faced the same challenge years earlier. The elders believed that the Cobra Commanders would have a keen insight into the situation, and so chose them to reside over the proceedings.

    Thus, all of the judges were assembled. The Megatrons, however, had yet to arrive.

Enter the Megatrons.

    Getting to the meeting, alas, was not a particularly easy task for the Megatrons. Not only did they have to cancel numerous convention appearances and sales on eBay, they also had to deal with the other Megatrons. Take, for example...

    ..Generation 1 Megatron! Though looking like a real Walther P-38 can be extremely useful (especially when earning extra money by robbing liquor stores), it does not make traveling over long distances particularly easy.

    So it was not unexpected when Generation 1 Megatron had problems. Being picked up, sold to a gun buyback program, and accidentally melted down, however, was an event no one could have guessed.

    Though Beast Wars Transmetal Megatron had anti-gravity engines to help him travel, he was still unable to avoid an avalanche which would leave him trapped beneath tons of rock and snow. What caused the disaster is a mystery.

To Be Continued...

    [CLICK HERE] to see the second half of THE BATTLE!!! shopping:

Transformers: The Movie (DVD). Watch the movie that changed everything! Sure, it ultimately brought down the Transformers line, but now that you're older and the bitterness is gone, you can REALLY enjoy it! Relive the moment you heard your first cartoon character swear! Witness the actual DEATH of a Transformer! Also available in VHS.

Transformers: The Movie SOUNDTRACK. This CD will SAVE YOUR LIFE - I KID YOU NOT. Some day, you'll be in a situation where you don't think you can win; where your spirit is broken and you just don't have the drive to keep going. That's when you'll pop this CD into the player and punch up track 4: DARE by Stan Bush. Once you here that song, NOTHING WILL BE ABLE TO STOP YOU. You'll be so pumped that not even a thousand Unicrons can slow you down. YOU CAN WIN IF YOU DARE!

G.I. Joe: The Movie. In the same way that Transformers: The Movie ultimately brought down that toy line, G.I. Joe: The Movie brought down the Real American Hero. Still, this DVD is a lot of fun, especially the scene in which Cobra Commander is transformed into a.. well, we wouldn't want to spoil it for you. The DVD version also includes the G.I. Joe public service announcements which made the line "..and knowing is half the battle!" famous. A VHS version is also on the market, but lacks the public service announcements and other goodies on the DVD.

Transformers: The Return of Optimus Prime. These are the two cartoon episodes which some claim are the best of the series. When Optimus Prime's body is stolen and then infected with deadly alien spores, NO ONE is safe! See the return of a legend.. IF YOU DARE. Buy the Three Volume Set if you're interested in collecting all of the episodes - it saves time.

Search's video department for ALL of the old transforms episodes and other relevant material!

Search's video department for ALL of the old G.I. Joe episodes and other relevant material!

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